As a coach and a hypnotherapist, I come across many clients who complain they feel taken for granted by their partners, family and work colleagues and bosses.
Many of them complain, moan, struggle, react, and are constantly stressed.
They control everything and everybody in their life as their own life is so out of control.
Many strive to be ‘superwoman’ and cannot accept being anything less. So many times during workshops and sessions I have witnessed first hand many women feeling resentful at the time and energy they invest in trying to fix others, change others and in turn feel unappreciated. What I ask them to think about is ‘ Why do they not feel worthy of asking for help themselves, or asking for their own needs and wants to be met?’ ‘Why are they putting everyone else’s needs and wants above their own?’
After all, once we have determined what it is we want to say yes to, the ability to say no becomes a crucial muscle to build. We must be clear what we want and what is important to us, only then will we the motivation come to ‘just say no’.
Ask yourself honestly – Do you have a deep need to be needed? Do you not feel enough? Do you feel the need to overcompensate by offering to do a million things for everyone else, in order to gain approval?
Look I know it is way easier to write about change as opposed to doing it, I have been there! I won golden globes for people pleasing and running around as superwoman, but in truth I was playing the role of the martyr, and victim with a violin. ‘I do so much for everyone and everyone depends on me’.
We have choices and a great way to become aware of how much we are over expending yourself and resenting it is to put the halogen light on our own behaviour and observe it without judgment.
Mark the number of times in a notebook and total it at the end of the week. Now look at the total of times you really did not have time or energy to help someone or do whatever it is you agreed to. After all if we don’t have time, energy, motivation, inspiration or money, how can we give any of that away to others?
Look after yourself
That is madness my friends, and not loving act to do to ourselves, it is crazy making. Golden rule, we cannot afford to give away to others, what we cannot afford to give to ourselves.
Quit enjoying being uber helpful and get out of this need to be relied on constantly by others. Quit being so egotistical and carrying the belief that everything will collapse if you delegate or take time out for yourself. Rather than playing superwoman, make changes today by making time for yourself as top priority. If people get all weird about you not being there for them 24/7, hold tight. The ones that matter don’t mind and the one’s that mind don’t matter.
Start getting clear on what you are happy to do for others, and what you are not. If you start honouring yourself by saying yes only to the things you really want to do, you will avoid any irritations and upsets later on when you feel forced to do something you would prefer not to.
The common thread here is fear. The only way to diffuse fear is to walk through it. When we start respecting ourselves, it is amazing how others start respecting us. Remember the more approval we look for the less we receive. When you start putting in a bottom line, others will know where they stand and secretly admire that courage in you. Some may be sulky for a while when they know we will not be walked over any longer.
We must watch all signs when we feel we are getting pulled back into old ways and old patterns. It is crucial we protect our new priorities.
After all we deserve to live our life exactly the way we wish to. We must not allow others to determine how we live our life. We all have a right to change our mind or say no.
Remember trying to be perfect is living in fantasy, after all the reality is we are all ‘perfectly imperfect’
If we don’t create our own destiny, someone else will. Us amazing women (and we all are) must take care of our most valuable asset – ourselves!
About the Author: Annie Ashdown is a Life Coach and Hynotherapist with a difference. She began her career eight years ago after a successful career in Film and TV. Annie was inspired to make this career change after seeking the help of a Life Coach for herself. Her approach is refreshing, unique and non-patronising, and Annie is able to help her clients through real life experience. You can find Annie at www.annieashdown.com